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*Past performance does not indicate future results. Future results do not indicate past performance. Present performance is largely theoretical. Xander Investments Club is not responsible for market volatility, economic downturns, acts of nature, or the general unpredictability of existence. Investment advice provided by our team of highly motivated individuals with varying degrees of relevant experience. Please invest responsibly and maybe keep some money under your mattress, just in case. We are not licensed therapists, although we do offer emotional support in the form of sporadic optimism and vaguely reassuring charts. All projections are made using a combination of historical data, gut instinct, and the occasional coin toss. In the event of financial loss, please do not attempt to reverse time, challenge the Federal Reserve to a duel, or email us in all caps. While we aim for accuracy, all models are wrong, some are useful, and at least one was built in Excel by someone who definitely didn’t sleep enough. Markets are influenced by complex variables including global trends, investor sentiment, lunar phases, and possibly the vibes. Xander Investments Club is not liable for damages caused by poor decisions, strong opinions, or late-night trading fueled by energy drinks and a misplaced sense of invincibility. If you’ve read this far, congratulations: you’re more diligent than most investors. Please remember, capitalism is a ride — keep your arms and legs inside at all times. Side effects of investing may include shortness of breath, excessive spreadsheet use, and the sudden urge to check CNBC at inappropriate times. If you experience euphoria after a gain of 3% or more, please remain seated and avoid eye contact with your neighbors. All statements made herein are void in the event of alien contact, economic singularity, or the spontaneous emergence of sentient ETFs. For external use only. Batteries not included. Trust your instincts, but maybe also a qualified fiduciary. We’re all in this simulation together.
